The relationship between my children and I, especially with my older son who is three, has been an ongoing progression. There have been a lot of ups and downs, triumphs and defeats. We have been through some very difficult experiences together, and there have been periods where I have been able to transform these experiences into joyful growth. Sometimes I am able to shift my perspective and see all the beauty in what perceived challenges we’ve overcome. Lately though, we’ve been in a bit of turmoil. I have been experiencing what I can only describe as outbursts of rage and absolute frustration. Sometimes I feel as though I am really making an effort to be one step ahead of each of our needs so that we can live peacefully, but that one or both kids just throw it back in my face. I end up feeling unappreciated, unheard, overwhelmed, and hateful. When I get into that downward spiral of dark emotions, it seems as though they really are plotting against me!

      Today I was reflecting on my own childhood, and was finally able to admit to myself that while my overall circumstances seemed “fine” on the outside, I was experiencing a lot of pain on the inside. Feelings of loneliness and longing were the dominant emotions. My nightmares involved being abandoned and left alone to fight what darkness may exist. My parents showed me much love, and they were really doing the best they could, but I often felt overlooked and ignored. It seemed as though their own problems were so great that whatever complaints I had tended to be brushed aside or minimalized. They seemed to be struggling to make ends meet, and I felt like I was struggling to just BE with them in the moment. I felt some intense emotions, but I’m not sure I felt safe enough to express them, so I suppressed them for the most part. They would make their way to the surface in outbursts of rage, frustration and jealousy of others who had it “better” than I. In the past, I might put blame on my parents for my circumstances or emotions, but today I can recognize that they were feeling their own intense emotions. Perhaps they were just mirroring to me that they too felt unappreciated, unheard, unimportant and maybe even small and powerless. There is no blame here. But I am taking responsibility by recognizing my part in the situation as well as their part, and taking inspired action to move forward by ending the cycle!

There was much joy in my life, but I feel it is important for me to recognized the emotions that were suppressed for so long, because they seem to really be making their way to the surface lately. My two young children sometimes end up being at the receiving end of my explosions, and it never feels good for any of us. It is my desire to allow all of those suppress emotions come to the surface and be released from my soul, so that I can fully move on and grow in exponential ways. My children and I deserve to feel joy!

      So today, I resolve to have constructive outlets to release whatever suppressed emotions exist in my heart. Through my artwork, mindful breathing, vigorous and exuberating exercise, music and dance, or even just beating or screaming into a pillow.

     We are a TEAM as a family, and we work together. We support each other and offer unconditional love and forgiveness on a moment-to-moment basis. It is healthy for my children to see me move through this, and it is important for me to model healthy ways of releasing built-up intesity. We respect each other and have patience with each other. I am the facilitator, offering an abundance of opportunities for us all to grow and create.

     
        As the more experienced in form, it is my “job” to show my children effective ways to function in this physical realm. As the more recently born from the spirit realm, it is my children’s “job” to remind me of the divine within me, and to follow my intuition in each moment. As beings with less “should” or “supposed to” programming, they remind me to be myself. Refreshingly honest and full of energy and vitality, I have a lot to learn from my children!

      I desire to keep moving forward with progress in the relationship between my children and I. Putting this into focus, I hope that I can create reminders for myself often enough to have peace and joy be the dominant emotions in this relationship!