Table for one and a half please!

So here is what I do to treat myself on occasion! The effort and preparation to create a delectable and beautiful candlelit dinner is so worth it! It really feels like I just ordered a $25 dinner in a fancy restaurant, complete with a cocktail.

Often when I am trying to figure out what to feed the kids for dinner, I just eat whatever they are eating. Sometimes it is peanut butter and jelly or even cereal. It is actually pretty rare that I make a full dinner, including salad. The boys won’t eat salad, so taking the extra time to prepare a salad for myself can by trying when they are just screaming for their own food.

Often I just say forget it, and forgo the greens. While it seems I am okay with it, inside I am really wanting that salad! I deserve to eat the healthy foods that I really want to eat, and it is worth it to go the extra mile for ME. 

So tonight I did! Every was out with his dad, so little Kenny and I enjoyed this fancy dinner together.  

Spinach Salad with Baked Chicken Tenders

MENU:

Spinach Salad with cucumbers, carrots, red peppers, and balsamic vinaigrette 

Chicken Tenders coated in flour, egg, and panko bread crumbs, Baked.

Chips and Salsa 

7-Seven Cocktail

Applesauce on the side for little Kenny

I am a gentle goddess, radiating with peace & and a joyful smile. A deep knowing and excitement within, that we are one, creating one world. We share all that is, all that ever was, and all that ever shall be. I am compassionate and listen to your story. Silent with love, my story is already told. I am acknowledged, heard, loved, always.

I am forgiven for any falters in my perceptions of the world around me. We are all forgiven, always and need not damn ourselves for falling off of our paths, or for forgetting who we truly are within and beyond our physical manifestations.
Within every breath is a new world, a new me, a new you. I am clear about who I am. I come forth from Divinity through inspiration and with deep unconditional love. I have been given a physical body to reside in and am blessed with emotions that guide me along the way constantly. Intuition is my connection to Divinity, the silent source of energy that chose to create me. I can listen in at anytime, to keep on my true path and purpose in this life.
I am a beautiful goddess, a creation of light and pure infinite love. I do a thousand beautiful things every single day, putting love into all the work that I do. I honor the stillness within that loves and appreciates rest. I nourish and replenish every cell of my being and beyond with silence, sleep, and the breath of God.
We are all children of Divinity, and want only the best for ourselves. I go forward in creating the world that I want to live in, building my own paradise and utopia. With all my love and tender care, my power to nurture every detail of life with a simple thought of love gives me the strength to accomplish the seemingly impossible.
I release all wrong done until me, and so to the world. I release all wrong I have done to myself, and so to the world. With deep love and gentle forgiveness, it is time to move forward with courage and wisdom. To do what is right in my heart. To trust that with strong conviction, determination, and a will to live and love, the Divine Energy Within will guide and protect me through risks and challenges; will gently and firmly move me toward my deepest goals and desires. I CAN move mountains and part the seas with just one minute amount of love, for the love itself is infinite. Any quantity shared is infinite in its possible creations and manifestations.
I am a goddess, unique and luminescent. I go forward with confidence and strength. I act with love while creating the world I desire to live in and experience. I have patience and faith in my actions. The fruit of my labors WILL be harvested, and I will savor every single bite.
I am Divine Love, radiating with light and donning a joyful grin of knowingness, of excitement and anticipation of the unknown to come. The mystery of the creative twists and turns the story takes along this beautiful journey are tantalizing and fulfilling to our inner sense of adventure.
I am blessed and go forward in sharing all that I am blessed with, most especially my ability to love.

Self Love Consciousness

The first one I completed is a surprise for a special someone, and has no title yet. I feel a delicate and compassionate connection to my inner femininity. Feminine consciousness and self love seem to go hand in hand with this painting experience. I’ve actually been experiencing some of my own issues coming up to be cleared, as well as issues of others that were of course, within me as well. This painting reminds me to be gentle with myself when sensitive areas are exposed for healing. This is a time for nurturing my inner being, my inner child, my inner male and female in balance. It is a time to be selfish enough to meet my own needs and restore my own energy banks, so that I can have a clear and open channel in which energy can flow through me from the universe into the world. A must be my own center of love and forgiveness, compassion and affection. I also feel a sense of inner romance and intimacy. This is a time to take myself on the “date” of my dreams, treating myself as a goddess, doing for myself all the things I hope to receive from the world around me. I am reminded of our feline companions, who are all about restoring their own energy on a moment-to-moment basis! We have much to learn from these creatures of unending self-love! I experienced a great healing from this painting experience, and it manifested in all kinds of ways, most noticeably in the physical form. I was practically forced to stop everything for a day and just concentrate solely on listening to what my body needs from me in each moment. What a gift!

Communication With Divinity, for Elisabeth

The 2nd one was appropriately titled “Communication with Divinity” for a wonderful woman named Elisabeth. It was a very earthy and playful painting. I was grounded, yet light on my toes! I felt between worlds, totally open and vulnerable, in a joyfully receptive state of allowance and acceptance. Music, love and gratitude are keys to this state of being. While painting, it was clear that peace really does begin with a smile! As soon as you even begin to think about feeling good, magical things start happening immediately whether you are aware of it or not! It is a beautiful phenomenon. We are all participating in this energy exchange with the universe on a moment to moment basis! During this creation’s evolution, I had wonderful messages sent to me that I was on the right path when I honored the urges within me, and especially when those urges  involved tuning in to nature, doing things just for the simple joy of doing them, and sharing a smile or a laugh with those in our presence. Its funny actually, because “those” that were/are in my presence, seemed to be there spiritually with me, and it felt as if they were teasing me a bit! Like everywhere I would turn, there seemed to be little messages, little signs, little jokes from the universe and the beings within. It was so nice though, because I did not feel an ounce of loneliness the whole time! You could call me the crazy lady who sat outside talking to the trees and the rocks around me. Better yet, I received a message from the stool that I sat on while painting! Apparantly, I need to get myself an easle, because painting on my kitchen table is a bit challenging for my body after awhile. But you should have heard what the stool I sat upon had to say about this! For discretion purposes, I will not reveal that particular message in this post, but just rest assured that the stool seems to share my dry humor! Beautiful and joyful experience!

Rejoicing in Soul Rejuvenation, for Genevieve

The 3rd painting created, is titled Soul Rejuvenation, and is for a woman named Genevieve. When I woke up in the morning, I knew something had shifted within me. I felt like so much had been cleared within me, so much that I wasn’t even aware of, that I felt light and bouncy! I felt an energy and vitality that I have not felt since before my first child was born. That’s over three years! I was motivated to get going with the day, taking each moment in beautiful flowing strides, open to what was to come. My children definitely felt this shift, and they were enjoying the bliss right along with me! We had picnics outside, and the word just kept shouting itself out loud in my mind, from my mouth, out of my paintbrush, and from my hands: REJUVENATION! We must celebrate the inner tranquil within, cherish every zealous moment we come across! I felt so grounded, yet my spirit was reaching out into the cosmos across the universe, expanding through love, joy, and peace. So, so SO beautiful! I can’t describe with words the absolute knowingness that I experienced throughout this painting and the day surrounding it. Everything in life seems to just fall into place, and ALL IS WELL, always! Sometimes we get scared that all is not well, and even during those times of fear and uncertainty, all STILL is well! How comforting and relaxing, to know that even when fear comes up in my life, I can rest assured that ALL STILL IS WELL, whether I believe it or not! Rejoice!

Life is a Dance, for Andrea

The latest one I’ve completed is titled “Life is a Dance” for a beautiful woman named Andrea. It was so fun and comforting to experience this painting. I felt like I had company with me the whole time, friends of all walks of life. We were one in our joyful gathering, enjoying music, food and laughter together. It occured to me that we can choose this feeling at any moment in our lives. Really! We can be in a state of bliss and oneness with all in every moment of our lives if we chose to. Pick a moment and start a party! Believe me, you are NEVER alone, and any moment is a great one for a get together, even if its “just” you and the universe! Make great food and drink, turn on your favorite sounds, or make the music yourself! Put on clothes that put you in the mood for a celebration! Life is a dance, so get up and start moving! And be silly! Laughing with yourself is oh-so-healing, and as you move your body with joy, energy easily flows through! Areas that have held on to stuck energy are forced to release and let go, all the energy jiggled out of those points! I feel lighter already just thinking about dancing my energy loose!

Beauty is everywhere, in everything, in every particle of energy that is the collective universe in us all. There are no categories of beauty, but perhaps there are levels of intensity that one may experience. The clearer one can become, feeling an all-knowing inner peace and love for all, the more beauty that person shall experience. When we love something, it is so easy to see its beauty. Whether it is those that are closest to us, our favorite foods or flowers, a painting we absolutely love, or even a particular building that captures our gaze, love and beauty are one and the same.

So just as we can easily see the beauty in something or someone that we love, we can also learn to feel love for something or someone that we discover as beautiful. For instance, I have this plant in my home that was neglected for sometime. It didn’t look as vibrant and healthy as before. I didn’t love it so much as I had, and so could not recognize its beauty as much either. I realized the cycle I had engaged in, and began sending love to the plant. I would stare at it, looking for parts of it that I still found beautiful. The more I could find and appreciate the plant’s natural beauty, the more I began to love it. And of course, the more I began to love it, the more beauty I could find! And the result of all of this was that because I could see and feel this plant’s inner beauty and potential, I began taking better care of it again. It is now one of the healthiest and most radiant plants in my home now!

We can do this with anyone or anything. Take a moment to try and sense the beauty in something or someone. Notice its shape, textures, and characteristics. Are there certain countours and curves that attract your eye? A particular color that just stands out with presence? Even if you can’t put your finger on it, but can find a good feeling about something or someone, you are on the right track. Please share with me your experiences with this! I find it to be quite transformational every time I do it, with even the simplest things in life!

Having discovered Ho’oponopono about a year ago, I have had tons of opportunities to apply it in my everyday life. Taking responsibility for one’s own creations sounds so simple, but I have experienced some intensity around this concept! One of the toughest and ironically, the easiest and most efficient areas in my life to apply this process has been with my children.

As we all know, children are extremely receptive beings. They hold the gift of simplistic truth and the ability to live in the present in all moments. The beauty of this is that we are each of us still children at heart, so we too still posess these gifts. The children in our lives are here to remind us of this. In my own life, my children seem to really test my ability to keep my cool, especially in public! One such incident (that inspired this post!) occured at K-mart the other day.  My son and I had had a discussion before going to the store that we weren’t buying anything but a picture frame, and he seemed to understand this pretty clearly. I reminded him that we’d be going to grandma’s store afterwards and he could enjoy a smoothie and a cookie as a treat for the day. He seemed excited and content with this information. As we passed through the electronics area, he was distracted by a locked display case containing DVDs of well-known characters that he loves. He begged and begged. I reminded him of our discussion, the later treats, and also that the display was locked and we couldn’t just take one out. He started screaming. I felt the tension coming, and I remembered Ho’oponopono. I immediately offered the situation up for transmutation. Connecting first to my subconscious, I repeated the phrases “I love you,” “I’m sorry,” “Please forgive me,” and “Thank you.” As I was repeating them a few times, he kept begging and screaming. I kept the cart moving toward the picture frames. The incessant Ho’oponopono kept me centered at the least, and also kept me in a non-reaction mode. By taking responsibility that I had somehow created this situation, that the tension I was experiencing was a memory in my subconscious rising to the surface to be cleared and “cleaned,” I was able to remain open to divine transmutation. The conversation in my mind went something like this:

I love you. I love my son, I love myself, I love all, because we are all one and the same. Divinity, I am sorry that I am feeling this way. I do not want to feel this way or experience this, and I understand that you have brought this to my attention for a reason, and that reason being that I have some cleaning to do. Please forgive me for any resentment or rage I am feeling towards you, myself, and my son. I do not understand the infinite complexity of this moment, and it is okay to not know. I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Please forgive me for disconnecting from your love that is always pouring over me and my son. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. Thank you. Thank you for loving me. I forgive myself. Thank you. I love you. I love you. I do not know why my son is experiencing such intense energy. I ask that with your love that is within us, anything that is not right be transmuted. Any unwanted thoughts, feelings, energies and ties that are binding us at this moment, please release them now. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I love you.

Keep in mind that while this was all going on in my head, my son was still screaming, and I was just quickly going about my business, letting him know that I hear him, that I can feel his struggle, and that I love him. That I know he really wants something, and that I am listening, but must do what I am doing. With the Ho’oponopono going on in my mind, I was able to stay centered enough to respond ti him in this way. If I hadn’t (and there have been many instances when I did not!), I may have reacted with guilt, blame, and shame. Thinking more along the lines of:

Why can’t you be quiet? I know you want the DVD, but you are really irritating me right now. We already talked about this and now you are just throwing it back in my face, trying to ruin my day! This sucks! I am feeling like crap, people are staring at us, and I’m starting to feel utterly frustrated and confused. Why are you doing this to me? Be quiet!! No! You can NOT have the DVD, we are leaving NOW and I am not getting you anything! Maybe we won’t even go to grandma’s store! 

For me, that is a huge difference. Practicing incessant Ho’oponopono leaves no room in my thoughts for a conversation like the second one mentioned! And with my kids, these conversations can make or break my day sometimes! It really comes down to remembering to practice, and the more frequent the practice, the more it becomes my natural and dominant response to any situation.

I want to mention that I also practice Ho’oponopono out loud around my kids when I feel so inclined. Sometimes I feel like the crazy mommy barely awake with frazzled hair, sitting on the floor surrounded by cheerios and yogurt that have been spilled everywhere, sand creaming children in the background. Yet there I am, sitting, repeating out loud “I LOVE YOU. I’M SORRY. PLEASE FORGIVE ME. THANK YOU!” Sometimes in my raging monster mommy moments, these phrases come out of my mouth as militant commands, as though my ego is fighting against me. Sometimes the conversation during these intense at-home moments goes a little like this when I’m having an “off” day:

I love you. I don’t know that the heck is going on right now but I love you. Thank you for this opportunity for me to let go of my rage. I’m sorry. I don’t know what the heck for, but I’m sorry. I’m sorry I feel like ripping my hair out and just walking out the door, yogurt  dripping off my shoulder and all. I’m sorry for not wanting to be a mommy right now. Please forgive me. Divinity, please forgive me and transmute these feelings with your love. With my love. I love you. I love my children. I love my children. I love my children. Do I really love my children? Yes, I think I do. They are driving me nuts. But I love them. Thank you. I love you. I’m sorry I am seeing this situation as a problem. I’m sorry I cannot see the blessings in all of this right now. I forgive myself. I forgive myself. I forgive myself. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I love you. I love my children. I love myself. I love you. I love you. I love you. Thank you! 

Indeed, Ho’oponopono is a wonderful process for me to practice. It helps for me to remember that I am not doing it to see results. I am doing it to feel better in the moment. And that is the most important result there is.

The relationship between my children and I, especially with my older son who is three, has been an ongoing progression. There have been a lot of ups and downs, triumphs and defeats. We have been through some very difficult experiences together, and there have been periods where I have been able to transform these experiences into joyful growth. Sometimes I am able to shift my perspective and see all the beauty in what perceived challenges we’ve overcome. Lately though, we’ve been in a bit of turmoil. I have been experiencing what I can only describe as outbursts of rage and absolute frustration. Sometimes I feel as though I am really making an effort to be one step ahead of each of our needs so that we can live peacefully, but that one or both kids just throw it back in my face. I end up feeling unappreciated, unheard, overwhelmed, and hateful. When I get into that downward spiral of dark emotions, it seems as though they really are plotting against me!

      Today I was reflecting on my own childhood, and was finally able to admit to myself that while my overall circumstances seemed “fine” on the outside, I was experiencing a lot of pain on the inside. Feelings of loneliness and longing were the dominant emotions. My nightmares involved being abandoned and left alone to fight what darkness may exist. My parents showed me much love, and they were really doing the best they could, but I often felt overlooked and ignored. It seemed as though their own problems were so great that whatever complaints I had tended to be brushed aside or minimalized. They seemed to be struggling to make ends meet, and I felt like I was struggling to just BE with them in the moment. I felt some intense emotions, but I’m not sure I felt safe enough to express them, so I suppressed them for the most part. They would make their way to the surface in outbursts of rage, frustration and jealousy of others who had it “better” than I. In the past, I might put blame on my parents for my circumstances or emotions, but today I can recognize that they were feeling their own intense emotions. Perhaps they were just mirroring to me that they too felt unappreciated, unheard, unimportant and maybe even small and powerless. There is no blame here. But I am taking responsibility by recognizing my part in the situation as well as their part, and taking inspired action to move forward by ending the cycle!

There was much joy in my life, but I feel it is important for me to recognized the emotions that were suppressed for so long, because they seem to really be making their way to the surface lately. My two young children sometimes end up being at the receiving end of my explosions, and it never feels good for any of us. It is my desire to allow all of those suppress emotions come to the surface and be released from my soul, so that I can fully move on and grow in exponential ways. My children and I deserve to feel joy!

      So today, I resolve to have constructive outlets to release whatever suppressed emotions exist in my heart. Through my artwork, mindful breathing, vigorous and exuberating exercise, music and dance, or even just beating or screaming into a pillow.

     We are a TEAM as a family, and we work together. We support each other and offer unconditional love and forgiveness on a moment-to-moment basis. It is healthy for my children to see me move through this, and it is important for me to model healthy ways of releasing built-up intesity. We respect each other and have patience with each other. I am the facilitator, offering an abundance of opportunities for us all to grow and create.

     
        As the more experienced in form, it is my “job” to show my children effective ways to function in this physical realm. As the more recently born from the spirit realm, it is my children’s “job” to remind me of the divine within me, and to follow my intuition in each moment. As beings with less “should” or “supposed to” programming, they remind me to be myself. Refreshingly honest and full of energy and vitality, I have a lot to learn from my children!

      I desire to keep moving forward with progress in the relationship between my children and I. Putting this into focus, I hope that I can create reminders for myself often enough to have peace and joy be the dominant emotions in this relationship!

It is not my job to try to heal anyone else’s sorrows. It IS my job to follow my intuition and offer support and compassion, while continuing to focus on creating positive change in my own life. It IS my job to find relief from my own sorrows, and in turn, I will be better able to offer support to those who are trying to do the same. It is ineffective to pity anyone or any circumstance, for it is all necessary in each person’s or situation’s growth and evolution. I cannot make anyone see anything a certain way, but I can offer a compassionate ear or a shoulder to lean on during difficult times. If someone wants my advice, then I may give it if my intuition finds it appropriate. We are each on our unique paths and what is right for one may be absurd for another. It is our job as individuals to seek and receive our own joy and peace in life, and to do all things with great love.

As I have been transforming my feelings and beliefs surrounding money and wealth, it has occurred to me that I already am so very wealthy. There is already infinite abundance in my life, and here I am to take the time to recognize the ways in which I am gloriously rich and prosperous!

• First and formost, I am a spiritual being with a deep and ongoing connection to infinite love and abundance in all areas of my life.
• I come from non-physical energy, sprung forth from divine love and inspiration.
• The scenery that surrounds my home is gorgeous! I have an oceanview on one side that boasts spectacular sunsets, and a mountain view of the island on all other sides. There are trees everywhere, exotic flora and fauna and a breeze of fresh air up here!
• My grandmother has been so generous to allow my boys and I to stay in the downstairs apartment of her huge home for a ridiculously low rent. I have the convenience of living with someone, but the privacy of our own space.
• I have free will to decorate as I please, and have done so! My home has been totally redesigned to reflect the beauty that I feel within. I have painted the walls, brought in radiant foliage, and put up my favorite art pieces on display. My home feels alive with love and beauty!
• My children and I have an abundance of food to eat, and plenty of clean drinking water!
• We have plenty of clothing to wear.
• We have a car to take us places!
• I have a beautiful and efficient office space in which to work and create.
• There is plenty of storage space.
• The garage is being turned into a playroom to compensate for our petite living space.
• We have a TV, DVD player, CD player, toaster oven, stove, refrigerator, telephone, air conditioner, fans, baby monitor, crockpot, waffle maker, rice cooker, mini food processor, access to a computer and an abundant array of other convenient technologies!
• I am alive and have the opportunity to choose joy in an infinite number of moments!
• I spend my days expressing myself creatively through writing, art, music, dance, sharing, communing with nature and my children, and venturing out into the world for frequent exploration and adventure!
• Money is a bonus that adds to the pleasure of just being ME every single day.
• I am grateful for all the little blessings (including money) that come my way each day!
• I have all my christmas shopping done and it isn’t even Thanksgiving yet!
• I am blessed with a beautiful physical form that allows the divine energy to flow through me and express itself in so many wonderful ways.
• I have sunshine, food, water, and air to nourish my body and soul.
• I am ever evolving in my desires and actions, free to be, do, and have whatever I choose in any moment!
• I am SO wealthy!!!
• And so are you!